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i think about bad things way tooooo much. makes me sad and depressed. but but but, i cant help it. i ALWAYS think about the worst possible things that could happen. Like im just poisoning myself with these negative thoughts :(  (  kfjklsdjfksdfiojsdiofjsdljfkdjfksdjfksdljfklsjdfoiuweifjkljfdklsjdfsd 

I started my period earlllyyyyyyyy damnit. I am so pissed off. It totally explains why ive been feeling so moody lately. I wanna cry and yell at ze same time. And I had really bad cramps. I took some aleve for it but that didnt even help! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr i feel like crap. fkjdslfjsdlkfjdslk. Ive been trying to sleep for hours now.... not much luck. Its now 6:32am and im getting a fucking headache/ And im tiiiiiireeeeedd.  *yawns*

this is a rare time when i HATE my vagina. And ovaries. Stupid baby making machine.... haha kfjwekrjwjreoije klqwjr 

I am sooooooooooooooooo tired right now. I feel like a crazy person. Cant think straight or clearly or whatever. I got only 2 hours sleep again. But this time I wasnt really that tired. Like I mean.... mayeb my body or whatever is getting used to only 2 hours of sleep. Cause ive been fine almost all day. Just the past hour I think ive gotten super tired.

Im totally gonna pass out. Im just sitting here trying to eat then its lights out for me! well its still kinda daytime so i guess it'll be close curtains time. klsdfjkldsjf wowza. im fucking TIRED! :( fgfdgdf dfg fdgfdgfdgdfgerutityutrf.  felt like i had a long day today. i did some things.... but cant really remember what it was i did  O_o I do remember I washed my hair! :D YAY for clean hair!

I need someone to read me a bed time story... so me can fall asleep. And then they could get in bed with me so I wont be so lonesome  :(
and since im so fucking tired right now im hoping to sleep for at least 4 hours! oh pleeeaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..... is that so much to fucking ask. please please please pretty please let my ass sleep dkfjsdlkjfkldsjlfkjdlkfjsdl

oh and my kitty brought me a live birdy this morning while i was trying to sleep. that bitch. poor bird. she was hurting it and i didnt do anything about it  :(  Im horrible!


ok ok im going to sleep

Current Mood: tired

 ummm WOW. I just read some of my past blogs and realized how crazy they sound! O_O I dont know if anyone reads my blogs anymore but... I swear im not really not that mean and hateful. :(  I seem to write blogs when im really angry, sad, or depressed. So of course my blogs are gonna be a bit horrible  O_o

So yea... thats all me wanted to say.... 

I feel horrible right now. Im tired as hell... its 3:32PM and I havent slept yet. Like I guess from the day before. I cant sleep. I have too much shit on my mind. 

I have this weird stupid "camera" that my mom got me awhile ago. It is the crappiest thing ever. So I tried taking pics of myself today and omg... I should never be seen in public. I look TERRIBLE! Well the stupid " camera" doesnt even work right so it almost impposible to get a good shot cause I dont even know whens it taking a picture. Like but, im fucking ugly anyways... doesnt matter what I take my pic with.

And this whole not being able to sleep thing is pissing me off. I am getting so grouchy and emotional  :'(  Me has been crying.... ALOT! And ive been getting really angry. At myself and other people. 
Been crying cause my life is basically hell right now. Mental/emotional torture. Im just a big mess. And I think right now there is only one good thing in my life, which im sure wont last much longer. All good things seem to come to a quick end for me jkdfsdkjfsdjfkdsjjkjhjkhkjwdiosdfuioewrijsdfiouweruiodfjksdfjksl;jjkklj

Annnddd, just a bit ago I remembered those stiumlus checks that everyone got. Or were suppposed to get. Made me realize I never got mine. Well my mom claimed me on her tax returns, so I guess she gets the check. And so that made me think she fucking spent it or something. Which then made me even more pissed. I dont know if the check would come in my name or my moms. If it came in my name then of course she cant cash it or whatever. But since she did claim me im afraid it came under her name. Thinking about that is making me realllly mad. Cause I really need that money damnit. Im sure my mom would want me or even make me spend it on bills or something. But NOOOOOO. My money and I wanna use it on me. Is that so horrible? dfidshfkjdsfhjksdh

I really need to call her and talk to her about it. But I cant do it now... im too fucked up. too tired and just ldfjsdkjfklsdjfkl.

Current Mood: crappy

 I was out in the backyard doing some things... trimming and watering. But I couldnt even do that for long cause the neighbors dog scares me. It like came right up to the fence and it just freaked me out. Then it started acting nuts and that freaked me out more. So I just gave up and came inside :(


And I am dissappointed in mysellf. I made no phone calls today to anybody. I barely did anything. Im disgusting.

and i cant stop singing marilyn mansons sweet dreams. Its such an awesome song... easy to sing. Good Fun.

Ive been hearing fireworks for the past few days. Its annoying. Well actually not really, haha. its just... i dont know. dont care for it.

sdlfkjlsdkjf dont know what else to write............

Ok I guess ill forget about that whole being idle for 24 hours thing cause I just fucked up and wrote 3 random letters in my other room. I realized someone went in there.... but I have it on private. Thought that meant no one could get in... haha. Guess not. Oh fucking well, it was a super dumb goal :\... time to eat... then ill cut off my fucking ears and bang my head against the door  



Oh and I have the worst acne right now. I have some on my chin that are huge and hurt so fucking bad. OUCH!!!! uuughhhhhhh. And I have some on the sides of my nose... so painful *cries*

 Yeah... too late. Its already gonna be 3am :(   I really wish I did more things this weekend... Im such a lazyass. But I just dont want Monday to officallystart. Like cause I REALLLYYY need to get serious about finding a job :( Its just so hard. I dont want to. My mom told me I should make at least 20 calls a day to people... Is she fucking nuts???? I cant even make 1 call a week! Damn her!
And now my debt with my gran I was told is up to like 22,000 or something. Which I find really hard to believe. Since like ive only been borrowing 1000 a month for like 7 months. It shouldnt be that high. But whatever.... its not a big deal to me. Maybe I can start on Tuesday. I really didnt have a good weekend, so tomorrow I should just keep busy with other none stressful things... like cleaning up the backyard and shit. 


I think ill make a to do list then go to sleep :D

 So right now its gonne be 4PM.... and I feel like crap. Because I took a nap. I had the weirdest dream. It was basically about a book. It was like someone wrote a short story and made a short film. Now I guess I was reading the script or something. And It was just so strange. It was  about Harry Potter. Like the ending of it. In real life the books are over... but in my dream I guess it wasnt. And Draco and Herminoe like... makeout and have sex! O_O... very weird. I dont  think I was even thinking about Harry Potter when I fell asleep. 


But yeah. So my day started out with me getting up super fucking early. My gran likes going EVERYWHERE really EARLY. God I was TIIIRREEEEDDDD. And ummmm, like I didnt get enough sleep. I tried going to sleep kinda early but I couldnt.

So I got up at around 8:40AM... it sucked. If I could I would love to get up at 9am or 10am... but I would just be tooo tired. But umm anyways.... I felt like shit. I really didnt wanna go out. I thought I looked  horrible. I really wanted to cry cause I thought I looked so gross. And my jeans werent fitting good. They looked stupid. Damn my skinny legs!

So I felt and looked like shit... got to the store. At first my gran was following me around. Then I lost that old lady. We went our sepreate ways.. thanks GOD!.. I swear that lady talks to everybody and EVERYTHING! Shes like.. oh hello sir... oh hello chips. lovely day, yeah? And she talks super loud. dlkfjsdlkjfwejidfjs. She embarassed me a few times while in there, but I was too tired to really give a shit.
And I spent way too much at the store. I bought crap. And I really regret it now. Cause my mom is gonna be pissed. I feel horrible. My mom always makes me feel bad about things, even without like saying it. I told her i spent a little too much.. but I couldnt tell her. jkxcvhsdfhfwelj


Ok so I got home, came online and saw EVILNESS! Got super pissed and sad.... deleted and blocked someone. But thankfully I was able to talk to somebody who calmed me down and they made me feel so much better. THANKS FRANCIS! And he also showed me how to tell if someone has blocked you from msn messenger. Always useful to know.

So ive been trying to stay up... cause I figure that if I can stay up till like midnight then I should beable to fall asleep. But I couldnt do it :(  I had to sleep. But not before my mom called and told me horror stories about patients at her hospital!... It was a lovely bedtime story. Then I feel asleep. And I kept hearing beeping noises. I thought I was trippin. I kept looking at my tv like WTF? STOP IT TV!!!! I was so out of it. It was annoying the hell out of me but didnt know what it was....
So when I finally woke up I realized it was my computer! I dont understand why i t kept beeping though. It was trying to piss me off!...

I only slept for like an hour or something.. I think. Im actually not even sure. Maybe 2. Well I couldnt fall asleep for a while. And I woke up feeling like GARBAGE! Holy fuck. I feel so gross and hot and dizzy. i have a small headache... i feel horrible


So ok... I was super angery earlier... then felt better... and now bad angry thoughts are starting to come back! Why do people think its a good idea to fuck with people when their down and feeling like shit. WHHHYYYYY. Fuck and I have to like HAAAVVEEE TOOOOOO call around for a job tomorrow. I really dont want to damnit. Im scared as hell. And nervous. :(


ITS A SHIT LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Current Mood: uncomfortable

 Those burns on my arm are finally starting to go away... kinda. I keep forgetting they're there and im just hoping my gran or mom didnt see them. I mean if they see them now I can just say my arm was really itchy and I scratched a little too hard. Cause thats what it looks like. And ive done that before... had marks from scratching too much. But I tink these marks are gonna be there for a long time. Probably get scars. Light ones though.... hopefully...